I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
