What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
