You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
