Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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