Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize