I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
