I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He has the fingertips of a God
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