this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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