can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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