You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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