His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
