She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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