Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
