I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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