Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
