He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
