just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
