Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
