You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Randomize
