Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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