Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
