He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
