she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
