he puts the penis in happiness.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
