Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
