Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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