I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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