I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
