i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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