I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
