I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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