why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize