I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
there's paper in my vomit.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
