The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
