i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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