Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
