I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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