I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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