so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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