i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize