She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Houston, we have a blender
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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