Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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