I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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