there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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