that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
