high people should be assigned attendants
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize