So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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