He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
