he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
