Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
