No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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