I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
