so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
