Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
