is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
