On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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