My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
