Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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