someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
