I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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