Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
