shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
